Self-love platitudes are thrown around without any real regard for what it means. It’s annoying sometimes; it can cause people to suffer even more than they already were because they tend to blame themselves when they can’t love themselves.
Self-love gets conflated with the vibration of love within spirituality as well.
From our human perspective, we have a fundamental need to feel loved by others and ourselves. When this need isn’t met, you can suffer. But, you can also experience the vibration of love, which is amazing, and shift your focus there.
What happens is that this creates an incongruency within you. On the one hand you’re blissed out because you’re experiencing the vibration of love, and on the other hand, you want to feel loved by others and yourself.
This can cause confusion and frustration, which may lead to more difficulty with loving yourself.
Self-love means different things to different people. The goal is to identify, to the best of your ability, what your subconscious beliefs are about love. In my work as a hypnotist I’ve had the privilege of exploring this issue with hundreds of people, and for each of them, their belief about love was different.
You form beliefs about love early on in life.
The things you experience in your childhood form your beliefs about love, and then they can get reinforced over time. Or, you had a positive belief about love growing up, and something happened, and you formed an opinion about love that isn’t helpful to you now.
It’s important for you to identify your subconscious beliefs about love in order to begin to like and ultimately love yourself. We can look to your life for clues, and we’ll use my life as a window into the beliefs I had formed about love.
I used to be in relationships with people who treated me wrong, were neglectful of my feelings, were physically and emotionally abusive, and cheated on me. They literally couldn’t love me if they tried because they were incapable of it.
My thoughts were always telling me that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough. If we looked to my life for clues as to what my belief about love was, it would be that I didn’t think I was worthy or lovable.
When I traced my beliefs back to my subconscious mind, I discovered that due to my father committing suicide when I was 4, and all the sexual abuse I had gone through, I had formed an unhealthy belief about love.
This is an overt example, but sometimes things don’t have to be horrible for you to have misperceptions about your self-worth and you being lovable. A bad break up, an unattentive parent, perfectionistic parents, critical parents, a favored sibling, etc. will set their mark on you, which in turn creates patterns in your life.
It’s likely you aren’t even consciously aware of how your beliefs about love are running you on autopilot. Your belief seeks evidence to make it true, and you may wind up in the same situation over and over again, whether that’s an unhealthy relationship, or an unhealthy job, etc.
So, you can look at your life and the patterns in your life to catch a glimpse of your subconscious minds belief about love. Are your relationships healthy and fulfilling? Do you have boundaries, or do you try to please everyone else? Do you look to others for self-validation, or do you find it within yourself?
If you were looking at your life with the eyes of an observer, what would you say your belief about love is?
Feel this answer instead of thinking it. When you do that it allows your subconscious mind to communicate with you, so feel the answer to these types of questions whenever possible.
Self-love is also about taking responsibility in your life. It means that you take a real and honest look at your behaviors so you can evaluate them. Of course, you will do this self-reflection with care and kindness, as it’s not meant to make you judge yourself but rather to shine a light on yourself and your patterns.
Do you need to change anything about yourself? Are you doing anything to sabotage you receiving love? Are you a doormat? Are you a perfectionist or overachiever?
When looking at your behavior, it’s also important that the people you’re in relationships with have behavior that lines up with what they say. So, if they say they love you but display signs of abuse or unhealthy behavior, this gives you a warning that they are not exhibiting love towards you, and your belief about love is showing up in this pattern of allowing this to continue.
Recognizing your patterns is your secret weapon to begin your discovery of your beliefs about love. Your life really will tell you a lot about your inner world. Once you work on dismantling your beliefs about love, then when you tune into the vibration of love there is inner harmony as you egoic structure’s needs are met so you can feel safe, and you allow the spiritual energy of love to fill you up.
What is your life telling you? Leave a comment below if you’d like to let me know.